I’ve been spending way too much time on social media lately, because I have an assignment due, and if there’s one thing I’m getting right in life, it’s definitely my priorities. Spending a lot of time on the interwebsz literally does nothing except remind me how much I dislike most people. This is a good 80% of the reason why I haven’t blogged lately. Any and all blogging ideas have been passionate rants about things that annoy me, and I don’t want to come across as a stuck-up ranty asshole. The other 18% and 2% respectively: I have the attention span of a flea, I don’t want to offend literally every person on the planet. BUT. I feel like this rant in particular is definitely justified. I was scrolling through posts on a forum that I will not name (because it’s secretszs and if I get kicked out, a good portion of my daily amusement will be gone), when I came across a post like this: “I tried to wake my partner up with a blow job last night and he ROLLED OVER. Wtf? I can’t believe him! I’m so mad!” Alright, so your feelings are hurt because you were trying to be sexy and spontaneous and every-guys-dream-girl, I guess I can understand this. But then the REPLIES. “My partner did the same thing, so I slapped him. Asshole.” “I would’ve slapped him too!” “Omg. Jerk!! What guy TURNS DOWN A BJ?” Etc. etc. Right. Okay. Let’s do a little role reversal. You’re a woman. You’re asleep. You’re enjoying your sleep, because Sleep. Something wakes you up. It’s your partner, slowly pulling down your pants and initiating some spontaneous sleepy-time oralz. That’s nice, because oralz is nice, but sleep tho. You’re tired. In your dazed state, you roll over and continue sleeping. Your partner, who initiated the sleepy-time oralz, groans in pure disgust at your sleepy refusal, and immediately slaps you in the face. Not nice, right? I imagine if this scenario played out and the male partner told his internet friends/acquaintances/strangers about it, the responses wouldn’t be, “dude. Your Mrs is such a jerk. I would’ve slapped her too.” It’d be more like, “dude. You’re a sick piece of shit.”
Out of about 27 responses, there were probably TWO ladies that piped up and said “Wait.. What? That’s not okay. Men are allowed to turn down sexual activities also.” But generally, the consensus was that a guy who turns down a good morning blowjob is an ungrateful asshole and deserves to be slapped. Huh? Since when is that a fucking thing? We shouldn’t be slapping men, like, ever. Not for refusing sex, not for anything. We (very rightfully) insist that men do not hit women, and I don’t think it’s too far-fetched for men to insist the same from us. Other (slightly) less extreme examples of annoying double standards: “My boyfriend chose to play video games last night over me giving him a blowjob. What the fuck?!” I love oral sex but y’know what, sometimes I just don’t feel like it. Sometimes I have better shit to do. Sometimes things on the list titled Better Shit To Do are important things; other times the things include playing spider solitaire or using all my mobile data to laugh at cats.
My point being, men are not exempt from sometimes Not Feeling Like It because Cats (or video games, whatever). “I don’t ever go down on my boyfriend, it’s gross and tastes disgusting” If I had a partner (lol) and he wrote “I don’t ever go down on my girlfriend because it’s gross and tastes disgusting” on facebook I would literally cry all of the crying and then obsess over my vagina, purchase stocks in femfresh and probably try to season it with salt and pepper. Not everyone enjoys putting genitals in their mouth, whatever. But if you’re seriously going to be discussing your partners penis on facebook, you better be bragging about it tasting like a fucking rainbow flavoured paddle pop. Oh, I’d also probably trade him in for a new one or something, because Public Criticizing of Genitals is #327 on my list of Shit That Does Not Fly With Me. How is that not on everybody else’s list? I think it’s really, really easy to be totally unaware of how much of an asshole you are being when everyone is patting you on the back, nodding and agreeing with you. Back patting and nodding doesn’t mean that what you are saying is okay. It generally just means that you are in the company of fellow assholes. It’s also really easy to forget what certain situations would feel like if the tables were turned – if YOU were the receiver of the shit you are dishing out. Self reflection is a really handy exercise if you have even the slightest urge to be a reasonably decent person/partner. HINT HINT. Also, I think a good portion of women are under the impression that men are a totally foreign species who are absent of feelings. I’m pretty sure they are just People hey. We should probably treat them nice and stuff. End rant.