Ahh, Tinder. Never has online dating been so easy. Swipe, match, flirty conversation, awkward meeting, anal sex.
In all my years of Tinder-ing (I signed up two weeks ago, whatever), a pattern has definitely emerged in terms of swiping left (aka, The Nope). Tinder is totally based on first impressions.. The first impression you make is the photo/s you’ve carefully selected to upload. Pay attention to the words in bold, they’re important. You can also add a quick introduction, which I completely recommend, unless you actually are just looking for anal sex, in which your introduction is totally irrelevant. “Has anus” would probably suffice.
Assuming you are on Tinder to have conversations, meet people, hook up, etc.. The photo/s you carefully selected and the introduction you carefully typed are literally the only determining factors on which way you will be swiped.
So without further ado, here is a carefully compiled list of ways to be Nope’d on Tinder.
- Remember that photo you carefully selected to upload as your first impression? Make sure it is absolutely not your face. A picture of your dog is okay, a picture of a mountain is even better. If you want to make absolutely certain you will receive The Nope, make this photo a picture quote.
- Speaking of carefully selected photos – leave them guessing! Upload five photos of yourself with a large group of your most attractive friends. When she furiously scrolls through said photos until she reaches the sixth (the SOLO photo), she will be horribly disappointed and immediately swipe left. Even if you are mediocre-looking.
- Wear sunglasses in all of your photos. We will assume you’re hiding something really fucking terrible underneath them.
- Stand next to a dead animal. Preferably one you have slaughtered. Wear your SMUGGEST GRIN. Remember, this photo is your first impression – make sure it’s really murder-y.
- Mirror selfies.
- Mirror selfies with shirt lifted up.
- Mirror selfies with shirt lifted up and one arm pointing to abs.
- Make all of your pictures JUST YOUR ABS. LIKE YOUR ABS GREW A BRAIN OF THEIR OWN AND MADE THEIR OWN TINDER ACCOUNT. LIKE THE REST OF YOU IS STAYING HOME, THE ABS ARE TAKING ME OUT TO DINNER.
- List “camping, fishing, 4×4” as your only interests. Like, that’s literally all you enjoy and it is so totally unique and interesting and different that 80% of the Male Tinder Population listed it as their only interests too.
- Everyone loves a mopey guy. The first sentence of your introduction should be “What’s the point in writing this, you’ll swipe left anyway”. You could look like Channing fucking Tatum and I promise you, I will nope you anyway. Rest assured, Sympathy Right Swipes are NOT a thing.
- Any combination of “YOLO”, “Here for a good time, not a long time”, and/or “Looking for the one”.
- Talk about your children. Heaps. Upload seven photos of them. Tell Tinder how much they mean to you, in the most generic and Parenty way possible. Get all mushy.
- Ignore my previous point, because this is also a good way to attract pedophiles, you EEEDIOTS.
- If you do not have children, casually suggest that you’d be totally willing to be a step parent, because you just love children, in a totally Non-Michael-Jackson way.
- “Swipe right, I don’t bite.. Unless you’re into that *wink*”. Surprising, right? I know you thought it was witty, clever and a little bit cheeky. I know you thought you were the first person to think of it. You absolutely were not. There were about thirty-seven thousand people before you, and there will be just as many after you. All of The Nope.
If you’re really determined to make your first impression terrible, you could try combining as many of the above as possible. It’s not hard, promise. All of the men within a 70km radius of me have pretty much nailed it.