This is an old blog post I wrote in 2013-ish. Only problem was, I didn’t have a blog to post it to.
We all enjoy music, whether it be to mourn the loss of a lover, to celebrate the loss of a lover, to deal with the angst of the loss of a lover.. Oh, and probably also for reasons not concerning lovers, I definitely did not just get my heart broken.
But really I did.
Whenever I go through some kind of heart hurt, I’m annoyingly critical of things that I, in my non heart hurt-ing state, would accept without judgement. Like today for example, I was drinking a chocolate milk (Do you know what’s better than chocolate milk? Nothing.), and when I had finished my chocolate flavoured cow milk, I was all like, “Fuck you milk, who are you to dictate to me when your carton should be empty? You are just a milk, who fucking assigned you that power?”, where normally I would just finish my milk and carry on with my day.
So, I have also become annoyingly critical of the lyrics that I would normally just bop around to. I mean, sometimes I’ll sing a song and while I’m singing it, I’m kind of dancing along thinking “I have no clue what the fuck is meaaaant by this, you had your friends collect your records and then changed your number”.. But today, I wanted to hunt down the fucking author of these songs and have them assessed for mental illnesses.
And then make out with them.
Here is a list of songs, that either make no sense, logically or metaphorically, or are just plain wrong.
- “She Will Be Loved” – Maroon 5
This song was cute and made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. And then Adam Levine was all like “I don’t mind spending every day, out on your corner in the pouring rain”.. And I was all like, “Really Adam? Every day?” If those words ever come out of my mouth when I’m trying to describe how much I love a person, I’d feel the need to get a restraining order against my SELF. Why are you standing out in the rain for a girl who clearly won’t let you inside for some shelter and warmth? Do you have an umbrella? Where do you live that it is raining every day? And then he goes on to say, “Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay a while”. Firstly, why is her smile broken, did she have a stroke that made the left side of her face go floppy, hence causing her smile to look broken? And secondly, if some guy who I wasn’t letting inside my house (because he was creepy as fuck standing on my corner every day in the pouring rain) then took it a step further and asked if I would like to join him for a while, on my corner, in the pouring rain, and then told me my smile looked broken.. I’d probably just say no. You don’t get away with saying crazy things just because you’re a sex god. I think.
- “Call Me Maybe” – Carly Rae Jepson
I don’t even need an explanation for why this song makes no sense, it’s just that fucking terrible. ‘Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me maybe’. Carly, I don’t know what kind of sheltered upbringing you had, but giving out your phone number isn’t really all that crazy. Taking off all of your clothes and rubbing asparagus all over your body might be a little crazy; giving a hot guy your number is not. ‘Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad’. You. Did. Fucking. Not. You may have missed the presence and company of a human being, but you did not miss that particular human being before you met them. It’s not possible. Off to the nut house for you, mate.
- “Lego House” – Ed Sheeren
This one really pissed me off, so bare with me.
“I’m gonna pick up the pieces / And build a lego house / If things go wrong we can knock it down”. Well, be my guest Ed, but you’ve clearly never been around a 5 year old with a lego obsession, otherwise you’d know that picking up lego that has been knocked down is fucking time consuming, and if you accidently step on a piece you’re pretty much fucked because a leg amputation would be less painful. But whatever, knock that shit down. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Fuck lego.
“I’m out of touch, I’m out of love / I’ll pick you up when you’re getting down / And out of all these things I’ve done / I think I love you better now”. I’m just gonna let you re-read that a few times. Really read it. Take a deep breath, and then repeat after me – What. The Fuck. If you are out of love, how could you possibly decide that you are loving someone better? Change the words to “I think I love you shitter now” and you’ll probably be onto something.
“I’m out of sight, I’m out of mind / I’ll do it all for you in time.” In TIME bitch, I’ll do it all for you on my own damn time frame but right now I’m busy picking up the fucking lego I carelessly knocked down and am now REGRETTING.
“I’m gonna paint you by numbers and colour you in / If things go right we can frame it and put you on a wall”. Like that’s not the biggest insult you’ve ever heard. He is pretty much kind of exactly saying that he will paint you the way he likes, and if you don’t complain about it he might stick you on a wall and be all like “See that shit? I painted that shit. Painted it the colours I wanted and I painted it in my own damn time frame”, and you’re just sitting there having your fucking personality moulded into this dudes masterpiece. If things don’t go right, he will probably just scribble on your face and send you off on your merry fucking way.
I think I’m done now.