Hey guys! Guess what? I’m an Adult!*. And due to my Superior Adulting Skills, I’ve decided that I’m perfectly qualified to prepare our youth for the Hell that is Being A Grown-Up, in a series of helpful blog posts. I expect that these will be published in academic journals and referenced back on for generations.
*for legal purposes:people keep referring to me as an Adult, but I am very obviously three kids stacked on top of each other under a trench coat.
(Thank you Bojack Horseman)
This exclusive series will feature handy life instructions, devastating truths, and me using my own opinions as facts. After somewhat-successful completion of twenty-two long and arduous revolutions of the Sun, I’m finally speaking out about the struggles of Adulting, and the ways in which you can do a better job at it.
Tip 1: Write a grocery list.
This will ensure that you leave the supermarket with all of the items you require.
Tip 2: Leave grocery list on the kitchen bench at home.
This will happen whether you like it or not, so you may as well pretend like you did it on purpose so that you can feel good about yourself.
(Additional lifehack: “Pretend like you did it on purpose” can be applied to most tricky adult situations. Grin smugly and say “Trust me, I know what I’m doing.” to achieve best results.)
Tip 3: Mentally prepare yourself.
Because walking into Woolworths is basically like walking into a strip club and having tits and ass thrown at you from every direction, except the tits and ass are replaced with marshmallows and pizza pockets and decorative cleaning cloths. This is (almost) never a good thing when you’re on a budget, but you will (always) always think it’s fucking excellent at the time.
Sometimes they dress the food up in fancy packages, and sometimes they do this thing called Strategic Product Placement, so that no matter how hard you try to stick to your shopping list (that you left at home) you’ll be suckered into buying more things. Strategic product placement is just a clever way of saying SNACKS, FUCKING, EVERYWHERE. Better hope you’re not on a diet, because you’re about to be eye-fucked by the cadbury company on every single corner.
Tip 4: Learn how to Deli correctly.
All this means is that when you’ve pulled your ticket number out of the ticket machine, you don’t continue standing in front of the ticket machine. I’ve conducted some research, I’ve done some calculations, I’ve made a quick pie chart, and the findings are conclusive: moving away from the ticket machine allows OTHER people to also use the ticket machine. Access to the ticket machine makes for a smoother and less socially-excruciating shopping experience for introverted assholes, like me.
Tip 5: Stick to your stereotype.
If you’d like the lead-up to any holiday season or celebratory event to be an enjoyable and visually-pleasing experience at the supermarket, it’s best to stick to your stereotype. If you’re a Mum, I strongly suggest having a music taste that fits somewhere in between Mariah Carey and Michael Buble, being obsessed with pastel pinks, and being aroused by baking utensils. If you haven’t made it your life mission to collect as many body lotions and bath bombs as possible, it might be a good time to do so. Unfortunately, my interests include musicians who shout obscenities and the colour black. This means that every-time my son and I walk past the gift tables, I have to try not to vomit as he “ooh”s and “ahh”s over all of the floral things he’d like to make me proudly display in my house. Don’t be me.
Tip 6: Don’t get too emotionally attached.
Because you’ll loyally purchase the same item every fortnight for like, eight fucking years, and then the merciless bastards will suddenly stop stocking said item without as much as a small, polite warning, and you’ll feel like they’ve murdered everything you love.
Tip 7: Don’t be “That Guy”.
Which guy? You know the guy. Actually, usually it’s not a guy; it’s a middle-aged stay at home Mum with three kids, reliving her fantasies of being a shopkeeper by using the self-serve checkouts to scan what I assume is about three million dollars worth of groceries. Lady, I’m genuinely interested in how much crack you had to lace your morning coffee with to think this would be a good idea. Your two trolley loads of shit are invading everybody’s personal space, your children are getting all up in my grill, and you are taking an enormously large amount of time, hence, fucking up the system that allows me to scan my seven items (a number of items which is appropriate in this particular setting) with the least amount of human interaction possible. When grocery shopping, it is important to never be this guy, so that I never have to throw a can of corn at you.
Tip 8: Be nice to your retail staff.
They have to deal with large quantities of human people every single day, and human people suck. Say please, say thank-you. Smile and say “that’s okay” when they apologize for the wait. The only exception to this rule is when they place your apples in the same bag as your bleach, even though you METICULOUSLY ORGANIZED THE GROCERIES ON THE CONVEYOR BELT so that they would be bagged correctly. If this happens, it’s perfectly okay to shoot imaginary poison daggers into their soul, so that maybe they’ll bag them PROPERLY NEXT TIME.